In Between

Ten years ago this month, I sat on a hillside in Italy and shaved my head. It was not born out of rebellion or strife, but rather pure curiosity. Just hours after I spontaneously moved my body, improving solo on a stage, looking out to sea, under the stars, for all to see. It was terrifying and exhilarating, an experience you only read about in books or see in movies. It was a collection of moments I knew I would still be sharing as a woman, old and gray. I went back home and adored my bald head and all the lessons it brought about, until the NYC winter begged me to grow back my comfort and warmth. It took 6 years to grow back and for 6 years I hated my hair, the awkward in between, that dreaded transition. I spent my whole life convinced I was an all or nothing type of girl. And in that instance I wanted a shaved head, raw and exposed, or my beautiful long locks, flowing and forgiving. You could have found me in the extremes, until I become a mama. Somehow I have learned how to accept and dwell in the in betweens, the awkward transitions, the harmonious gray, because if not for that space, I would seize to exist. I would have not even a single sliver of myself to hold on to. I decided I'd rather have fragments of myself than nothing at all.

Last night I called my dear friend with scissors and style. She came quick after saying good night to her four sleeping babes in bed. I blended tequila and frozen strawberries and sat in a chair asking for change, the embodiment my head and heart have been undergoing the last year. Even more, I think I still needed to know that I have the ability to shock myself. As simple and low key as it may seem, (for a girl who once shaved her head) I just needed to take it to my chin. I needed to feel chic and bold, a mom, but not too mom. I needed my words and willingness to leave my mouth and control, and make something different happen. So, I got a bob. Not gone, not long, but in the middle, and on it's way. Loud and proud, here and now. It could not be more fitting, it turns out I am an in between kind of girl.