June came and went like a whirlwind. Bijou's 4th Birthday, end of the school year potlucks, the last day of Kindergarten, our EIGTH wedding anniversary, Warren's Birthday, two weekends of dance performances, and a quick trip to Bend with old girlfriends. It was so full of really special events and yet I often felt like I was watching my life from above, struggling to feel inside of my life.
My life is rich and beautiful and on paper it should conclude that I finally have everything I have ever wanted, and yet there is something a little off. I feel raw but removed, connected yet aloof. I suppose this is nothing new, a good paradox has always found a cozy home inside my bones. But even after all this time, it still feels foreign. I often feel like a ninety year old woman in her final days, realizing what is most important in life, and telling her younger self, only I've known it since day one, and have let it be the cornerstone of my worldview.
When Octave was born I was so excited to raise her differently, how in my bones I knew life could be, and yet now I feel so distracted and out of place that I can't seem to do it well, or maybe just how I want to. I don't want anything more, I just want something different. And what that different is exactly, I don't know, but it eats away at me, keeping me from writing, being productive, and feeling alive in this time and place. Surely it is not as dramatic as it sounds. I am well. I am content. But I am often only one word away from tears. "Time." Someone can casually mention it on the street, in yoga or at the grocery store and I immediately soften into a puddle of salt. It's embarrassing and inappropriate and makes me look like that person who hasn't dealt with their issues. Except I am, daily, hourly, moment to moment. I am forever and always peeling away another layer of myself, but for the first time I am intimidated, perhaps curious if I am brave enough to do something about what I find. Time, it's almost like a trigger word, screaming at me to do something different. I want to, I am just not so sure what exactly that means.