Octave's Kindergarten class has been growing chicks in an incubator over the last month. O is a without a doubt the most passionate animal lover any of us have ever experienced and her teacher asked if we wanted to take them home for the weekend. So just a few days of them freshly hatched we took five chicks home, and needless to say we have fallen madly in love. It's so special to see how my daughters passions inspire new things inside of me. Being around animals is not natural for me, and so I love learning the world brand new through her eyes. I don't see pets in our near future, (I'm still learning how to grow and nurture these amazing little humans.) But we are seeking out as many opportunities for her to interact with and care for animals as we can, because this is without a doubt her love language, and seeing her in her element can quickly bring me to tears. Her attention to detail, her intuition and logic are a unique combination that make these experiences pure magic.
I am so proud of the person she is becoming and my heart has felt so sad not being in the mental space to document these reflections the way I have so passionately done the years prior. I think I've been lost in transition. I am still mourning not having my days with her. I am still mourning my longing to homeschool. I feel an ache that I am realizing not everyone does. I know I am sentimental, and feel deeply, but it feels more than that, because all mamas feel the contradictions beneath our bones. But there is something else happening. While i am so grateful and happy, I am not content. I am not settled. I feel like there is another path, another way. I am not a grass is greener, type of person. I fully understand that nothing is necessarily better, it is just different. But maybe I want something different. But how do you balance your own desires with your children's? Are they one in the same? Is what is best for one, best for the other? If not, who sacrifices? I don't know. And there is no way to answer that question. Like most true things, they are case by case, and have room to evolve. But lately I feel the tension between being so in love with her school and the community we are apart of, and wanting more time and space to do the things I want to do with her. I am craving a slower, simpler life. The kind we had when it was just us, the one I knew I was meant to live. I don't want a life of to and from's, not today, but tomorrow's. I want a life that is open enough for spontaneity and connection. My art just might be, the art of doing nothing. What this means, I don't know. I'm just putting it out there and allowing myself to move when the current becomes strong enough. It feels stronger than ever but there is no where else to go, or so it seems. But we are here for now, and these chicks, they had me at first chirp. We might just be chick people.