Another tooth. it is more symbolic than I would have thought. I feel like this stage hit me like a ton of bricks. school. loosing teeth. slumber parties on the forecast. It went from slow and steady, so much time, to fast and gone. or so it seems.
When i am in circles of creativity, i desire to be known as a mother. when i am circles of mothers, i beg to be known as an artist. i wonder why i dichotomize myself into these boxes when i've never believed in shapes to begin with.
This week has been a slow and steady road to internal chaos.
I began with nothing. No plans. Pajamas. Movies. Cuddles. Rain (it poured.) We read books. We read them all. every game was played, every toy was touched, every corner of the home was turned upside down. it was beautiful. and messy. so messy i almost lost my mind. but i was present. i was home. no time, no obligation. just us. this is my love language. i don't get bored. boredom is not for people like me.
I see now that early motherhood, despite it's challenges, is actually my thing. i do well with adequate time and space and as a majority of the time stay at home mama, this worked well for me. Somehow I jump to the end of this parenting season and know that I will feel an equal enthusiasm for the end, and yet i am in neither of those. I am in the beginning of the middle. middle's are hard for me, and yet middle is everywhere i look and feel. Middle of marriage. Middle of motherhood. Middle of life. Middle of, a million and one more things not necessary to go on about. This is not to say that I am in a hard time and place, because truly I am not. I am in such a rich time and space, the space I always dreamed about. A feeling of ease. And yet, it feels foreign. Maybe because I am good at making something from nothing, and I no longer have nothing. Or maybe because I like metaphors and right now it all feels rather simple. Usually these feelings are on the cusp of change, and so I will sit with it all a little while longer, until I read back on these words and it's only a distant memory.