Rethinking and uncommitting

Three days into the 365 project and I already feel suffocated. It was a nice idea while it lasted, and I suppose this is how I move through life...trying new things and then making changes as new feelings come up.  The last week I've been so intentional about leaving my phone at home, and only referencing it late at night once I've tucked the girls in bed and given quality time to myself. Only then will I make time for responding to texts or social media, and so far it feels like a really wonderful balance. But since feeling so free throughout these days I have attempted to take a picture every day, which almost negates the positive habits I've set in place with my phone.

Last night the girls and I took the bus and max to their favorite art studio. It was pouring rain, the light was fading and I felt an immense pressure to take a photo because the day was coming to an end and I had not yet taken one. I hauled it all the way there and back to realize I left my battery at home, still charging. It kind of made me laugh, and affirmed what kind of photographer I am. I think I only want to take pictures when I feel inspired and called to. If the moment is not begging, why do it? Sure I was hoping to grow my technical skills and I think doing a 365 project would really help with that, but it's not worth the stress of getting a photograph just because I said I would. And so I am learning and modifying and I see now that maybe I don't need more time behind the lens, but exactly the opposite. There was a season when both babes were home with me, day in and out, and it was natural and made sense, but it feels different now, and since I get so much less time with Octave, I don't really want that time to be with a camera in my hands. Hands free feels like what we all need right now. And now I am wondering if I should create a little project for myself that works from the opposite perspective. What if I did something like, a year of Saturdays. What if I only picked up my camera on Saturdays (iPhone too.) What if I forced myself to be with that moment and not worry about preserving it for the future. I'll admit, it almost gives me as much angst as the thought of taking a picture every single day. But in a culture where we take a picture of every.single.thing and then feel the need to share it with the world, it feels like maybe a project like this would be more stretching and life giving. Still commitments over here. Just feelings. Always feelings.