adjusting

they are playing in the bath and i am cleaning up dishes. it's taking longer than i thought. time feels so much more precious now. and dishes is not what i want to be doing. i want to be with her, with them. 

one full week of school is almost complete. she loves it, absolutely loves it. this i am not surprised, i knew she would. it was my heart i was struggling with. but surprisingly i like the schedule. my bike commute has gotten down to thirty minutes because even after two weeks i am getting stronger. four times a day i pedal to and from. somehow i totally forgot about the going home in between with a little one who needs a nap, so what i once thought was just a 2 way commute is actually 4. it's something you probably don't think twice about on four wheels, but can make all the difference by foot or bike.  i like a time and place to be. i can show up on time with enthusiasm, and so we do. but i ache in almost part of my being. i wonder how everyone else is not aching too. if they are, why aren't they talking about it? why do we accept things as completely normal even when they make our hearts leap out of our chests?

i pull her out of the bath with hot tears rolling down my face. she wants me to wrap and rock her like a "baby burrito," they way I have since she was one year old in our scabby, stinky apartment in Casper, Wyoming. she hardly fits, but i don't dare admit it. I will make this fucking work. she asks me why i am crying and babe walks in wondering just the same. "i know i sound ridiculous. but how are people okay with this?" he has no idea what i am about to say next. he is trying to be comfortable with my crying. "i  miss her. this is not enough time. this is not how it should be. i keep her up late and she wakes with dark circles beneath her eyes. i put her to bed at a reasonable time and i don't feel like it's enough time with her." this is what i was afraid of. this is what felt so off. and yet this is who our society works. None of it makes sense, but I don't know what I can do about it. 

it's not that i can't or don't want to be without kids. in fact, i do and i love it. i need time to myself. i love pursuing my own passions. i have many. but this is something hard to pinpoint. and even harder when I see her thriving. she is head over heels about school, and this community is all i could have ever asked for, and more. Her teacher is a dream, and thankfully her classroom will be more like a beautiful extension of home, rather than the soul stealing picture of school I had once envisioned. But still, I ache. Maybe I just see it all flashing before my eyes. Maybe this is time and place where time and space completely reworks itself, leaving you feeling like, it was just yesterday....

I brush my teeth and hear her from the other room, singing a song..."there is no one else like my mom. she's different than all the rest. i love her more than galaxies." i hope she's authentic and not learning to coax my weary soul, because I'm fine when I feel, and I feel, so I am fine. I don't need her to say that. But my god, it feels good.