I haven't been taking a lot of photos of my girls lately. I went almost an entire week without taking a single picture, which is a lot or a little depending on your perspective, but for me it felt rare. I've been wanting to be more intentional, and get back to how it felt when I fell in love with capturing my girls, which was inspired by the quirky candid moments that magically fell into my lap. I knew a reset was necessary when I found myself bribing Octave with a lollipop if she would just sit still in a good patch of light. She refused and I begged, and she refused again. I felt a little ashamed of myself, and completely out of touch with how I want to parent and document. Even if I did get that "good shot," I am pretty sure all I would remember is the fact that i had to bribe her, which would mean so little and defeat the entire purpose. Aesthetic is important, however if I have to try too hard to make something come together I am no longer inspired. I want to capture posture and movement, and the fleeting candid moments of life. If these moments happen inside good natural light, there is not much more I could ask for.
I've noticed that the few photographs I have captured in the last month are faceless. When I look back at them, I feel at a distance, and slightly removed. Interestingly enough it kinds of reflects what motherhood feels like right now. I am struggling to find a rhythm. I am confused about my place, and doubting my voice. And it is just so loud. Painfully loud and overwhelming. However, I am finding a deeper sense of myself outside of motherhood which is refreshing and fun, and long overdue. I'm trying not to make too much of this, because if there is anything I've learned it's that things shift rather quickly with little ones, or maybe it's just me, and I happen to have little ones. Right when I feel pushed to my max is when something soft and sweet invites me in, giving me rest and new perspective. Nothing last forever, so while I'm here a little longer, I'll observe my life and it's details from a little different angle, even if feels a little foreign or makes me feel uncomfortable, because it might just be exactly what I need.