Yesterday I could feel something new stirring inside our walls. I've asked for change, for something to give, for guidance. I have so desperately needed it. December stretched me to my max and most nights ended in tears (all three of us.) I've just felt so lost in this whole parenting gig, like I'm messing it all up, and like my kids are out of control, and I am being controlled, leaving me feeling, so. out. of control. It's been rough, even in the midst of good times. Quite honestly, it was the first time it felt like the bad outweighed the good. It made me feel guilty for feeling that way, let alone admitting it.
So I got on my knees, and asked for what I needed, which felt like, everything. I spent an entire day in stedfast prayer, an almost joyful trance. Music filled the silence I usually crave and then suddenly there was rest for the weary. I was filled with hope, confidence, contentment, and most importantly, gratefulness. It really has never failed me, it is always the road home. Whether it feels more like a habit than choice, or when I'm "faking it til I make it," or when it is my honest heart cry, gratefulness always steers me right back home. I've come back home. It's good here.
This morning there was good light and happy little people. There were beautifully mundane moments to capture with ease. There were details to fall in love with, and moments to tuck away inside my 'never ever forget,' pile. Joy flooded this tiny space, and we're all a little better, maybe even a lot closer because of it.